Your Love Is Not Mine
by Icyfio
Summary: Re-edited. A one shot of how their relation began and... end?


_**A.N: Previously I have written this story with a song in mind but it was said to be copyright if I have posted the song lyrics up, resulted, I have took down all the lyrics and re-post it back up, without reading it. Only till recently, when I have more time to review back this story, I realised that without the song lyrics, the story didn't seem to have the same idea I had in mind back then. I didn't want the story to be in a waste, so instead, I have decided to edit part of it and also to compose my own lyrics (those written in italic and bold) into the story and hoping it will get my thoughts across to some readers. Enough of my thoughts and enjoy the story. To those who have read it before, kindly enjoy the story again.  
><strong>_

_**Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me except for the plot and lyrics.  
><strong>_

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><p><em><strong>In the back of our memories.<br>The voices of us.  
>Speaking of the past.<br>Softly, gently and sorrowful.**_

It was the norm, walking with the same person on the same familiar road, while having the same conversation topic every morning, in the same outfit. Nothing seem out of the ordinary during the walk to the academy. It had become a routine for the past month. Kakashi would suddenly appear from behind, midway of the journey, greeting Iruka, an attempt in engaging in small talks along the path that lead to the academy.

"So, there is this newly opened cafe that sells exotic coffee two streets down the academy. Do you want to grab a cup during lunch break? I could pick you up." Kakashi added with his inverted u-smile.

"Gomen Kakashi San, today I am having lunch with Izumo and Kotetsu. How about some other time?" Iruka apologised.

"Sure. Have a good day. Ja." The jōnin, though disappointed, remained his facade. Iruka had rejected his lunch offer, again.

"You too. Ja ne." Giving a genuine smile as best as he could in return for rejecting the offer.

The next day was the same repetition of the previous day, and so was the following day. The chūnin seems to always have an excuse to dodge the jōnin's invitation. This went on every single day whenever the jōnin was in the village until the began of the school's summer break.

_**Never meant to happen.  
>Breaking away from rules.<br>The freedom we desire.  
>The desire to happen.<strong>_

"Do you know Iruka, the chunin Sensei from the academy was being summoned and reprimanded by the Hokage for almost jeopardising a mission two days ago? After that, he was pretty down and drank a lot that night. His two chūnins friends practically had to drag him out of the bar to stop him from drowning in alcohol and who knows what he will do when he's drunk." Genma told Kakashi babblery during the weekly Jōnins' gathering, where a bunch of Jōnins would gather and exchange information they had acquired during their missions.

The silver-haired man, naturally knew nothing about this as he was not in the village most of the time during the school summer break, yet it did not mean he would stop himself from seeing Iruka from a distance, gathering information pertaining to him whenever he had the chance. He knew Iruka was sent to a mission but due to the evidently easy nature of the mission and it being an overall success, Kakashi was confident that Iruka and his team had completed without a hic. But when Kakashi went to see him secretly after he had returned from his own mission, he was puzzled by the actions of the dejected chūnin, which he had decided to dig further into what causes his affection to behave in such a manner when he had gotten the chance. This time, Genma seem to be able to provide him with what he wanted to know. It was convenient when you have a friend who knows everything happening in the village. Never wanting to leave out any valuable information, he casually replied. "How did you know?"

"I happened to be there helping the Hogake with some piled up work when Iruka was called in to the room." he recalled, twirling the senbon with his mouth. "Everything went well for most part of the mission until they met with an ambush on their return trip. The ambush consisted of one Jōnin alongside three Chūnins. One of the Chūnin was barely a teenager. Iruka became hesitate to kill that kid when he had an opening. The kid, however, seized that chance in an attempt to conjure a jutsu. The result could potentially cause serious injury or worse, fatality to Iruka's teammates. Fortunately, the team leader has anticipated and intercepted that kid's move, killing him before anything bad happens."

Kakashi immediately understand the hesitation Iruka has at that point of time. The weakness of his gentle nature. "You can't have feelings for your enemy during a mission, any hesitation might cause serious consequences. Iruka holds too much emotions, and emotions don't do well with missions." The ex-ANBU stated as a matter of fact. Yet ironically, it was the vast emotions the chūnin possessed, caused Kakashi to fall in love with.

_**Can you hear that?  
>The singing of a song.<br>Telling of a story.  
>A story of the past.<strong>_

"Yo, Iruka Sensei. What a coincidence. How's your summer break? It's coming to an end soon. Did you manage to get ample of rest to prepare for the next school term? You'll need plenty of it to deal with those pre-genins." The aloof jōnin had came up with the idea of meeting Iruka at the bookstore, 'coincidentally'.

"Kakashi San, it's a surprise to see you here. They are not really that difficult to handle with when you know their strengths and weaknesses. Are you here to get books?" and the seconds he spoke the last sentence, Iruka felt stupid; regretted to have asked such an obvious question. There's only one reason to see the jōnin here. What else could it be? He's famous for reading that in public.

"Jiraya Sama's latest volume for the Icha Icha Series is out today. I'm here to buy it. Do you want a copy as well?" he offered, holding up the newest volume of the Icha Icha Series, knowing very well the reaction he would receive.

Just as expected, Iruka's face turned into a bright shade of pink upon seeing the book, quickly turning his head away, stammering with his words, Iruka spoke, "That... that is very kind of you... but... I'll have to reject. You see... I don't read those books... It will... err... you know... leaves a bad impression if the parents or anyone ever see me holding onto it... I... err… shall not impose you any further... and... err... leave you to your choice of reading... Ja." Embarrassed by it, he wished he could dig a hole right there and buried himself. Without waiting to get any response from Kakashi, he turned to leave but was stopped by a strong hand grabbing onto his upper right arm. He froze at the sudden gesture.

"Gomen gomen, I didn't mean to cause you any embarrassment. As a form of apology, could I buy you dinner tonight?" He asked with his famous inverted u-smile.

Iruka wasn't sure what to make of it. Surely it's just an apology dinner, nothing more.

Seeing the hesitation in Iruka's eyes, he continued, "Aww Sensei, you aren't going to reject me again, are you?" He moved closer, almost too close for Iruka's heart to bear.

"Yea. Sure. Why not." Iruka immediately took a step back, keeping his distant, just so his heart could calm down a little.

"Great. I'll pick you up at 7. Mata ne." Kakashi gave a waved to his date, smiling under his mask. _'Tonight, I'm going to make him mine.'_

_**We have our difference.  
>We have our reason.<br>We want to make things right.**_

It went very smooth that night. They had a relaxing dinner, having small conversation and getting to know each other better. When it was time to leave the diner, Iruka had suggested going to the summer festival to watch the fireworks, little did he want to admit, he was enjoying the company of the jōnin and did not want the date to end so soon. They took a walk down to the central of the village where the summer festival was held. It was crowded with people; civilians and non-civilians. Families brought their children out to immerse themselves in the happy mood, friends clustered in groups were out together having a good time, and couples could be seen holding hands and enjoying the companionship of each other.

The festival was lively but somehow, they don't seem to fit into the crowd. Instead, Kakashi suggested and took Iruka to a secluded place where he knew they could watch the fireworks without any interruption. It was an opened field; the surrounding was quiet, the moonlight casting a soft and comfortable ambiance around the area. Kakashi had even prepared some sake. It's a mystery to Iruka as where he had kept the sake the whole evening. Still, it was a perfect way to spend the night.

The Sensei knew he should not have drank too much of that nasty liquid. He was only half sober by the time he drank the fourth cup. Drinking a few cups more, before he knew it, he was actually pulling Kakashi towards him just as the fireworks display begun. For a moment, the green, red and blue flower-like fireworks dazzled Iruka. The next moment, without warning, he had turned and kissed through the mask of the now very closed Kakashi which he had pulled in earlier on, feeling the mouth behind the thin fabric and wanted more. The jōnin, caught off-guard, certainly did not expect the chūnin to react this way after indulging in some alcohol and not to mention, even initiating a kiss! Things have definitely taken an interesting turn. Chuckling softly, he gladly gave in by pulling down his mask so that he could catch the full taste of the lips he had desired for so many endless nights.

The return kiss came as a surprise to Iruka. The alcohol in his blood stream was making him bold and had done the unexpected but that did not mean he was not aware of the now bare lips crushing against him. His mind snapped, suddenly wide-wake. He should not be doing this! Just as sudden as the kissed had started, Iruka stopped abruptly and leaned away from Kakashi.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I guess I had too much of a drink, it's better if I go now." Iruka could not look at Kakashi when he said that. He had not known how he should faced Kakashi in this awkward situation.

"Stay." That was all Kakashi said.

_**We are two poles.  
>Attracting each other.<strong>_

Everyone was surprise at the newly-born couple when summer break ended. No one really expected that. A legendary jōnin and a simple chūnin. What good could come out from this combination? The different beliefs held by two different beings. Can it last? Doubts were being questioned and rumors on how they have got together were spread like wild fire.

Hence, it came to no one's surprised when the first argument occurred. It was over a trivial issue. An issue soon forgotten and had no idea how it got started in the first place. Promises were made, and broken. Sometimes, it was very close to the breaking point, yet the relationship somehow managed to survive, just barely.

_**Giving what we can.  
>Giving all we have.<strong>_

How many times did they argue, just this week alone? They could have multiple arguments in a single day. It could be the improper use of a word in a spoken sentence, or an action made, sometimes Kakashi was clueless and even the lack of his response could trigger Iruka's temper.

Kakashi would end up at the receiving end of Iruka's wraith. During these times, he would prefer to remain in silent, as he did not want to make things worse. He would promise that it would never happen again, even though he had no idea what was the cause he was promising not to repeat.

Little did he know, it was the silence that frustrated Iruka. He disliked it when Kakashi said nothing at all. Listening to his railing and then giving him empty promises. He would prefer Kakashi to retaliate; at least he would have known what was going through the silver haired head of his. Or he could explain why he said certain words or do a certain action. Iruka was tired of trying to analyse and continuing guessing those unspoken meaning, yet even after he tried communicating with Kakashi about his silence and Kakashi promise that he would not do it again, the situation did not have any significant improvement for he would repeat and remain silent again in the next argument. Iruka felt exhausted.

_**We didn't want to give up.  
>You and I,<br>struggling in an endless space,  
>weaving an unspoken void.<strong>_

"Why did they send you? In my last report, I had stated clearly I had come to terms with the local landlord that he would stop hiring the mercenaries. This mission is going well as planned." Iruka was confused. The Hogake had sent him here as a peacemaker. To sort out things for the local people and the gang of mercenaries who moved here recently, extorting money and terrorizing people. The mercenaries were hired by one of the nearby landlord as a form of security. So why was Kakashi sent here even after he had sent back a report stating all was going well for the mission?

"I'm here as a backup. Nothing more. I will not interfere in any of your negotiation with the landlord. So you continue to do what you do best". He gave Iruka an assuring pat on his back, _'and I'll do what I do best.'_

The mission was over in three days after the arrival of Kakashi. It ended up the way Kakashi expected but not Iruka's. The 'backup' was in fact to sent in to assassinate the landlord, who was found engaging in extensive underground activities, such as the production and sale of weapons to the enemy of the Fire Nation.

"How can you be so ruthless and heartless to kill him?! He doesn't pose any threat to you!" The usually gentle chūnin was raising his voice. Again. Shouting at his lover.

"He will be, when he grows up. I can't let someone who would become a threat to the village to continue living." The tone was cold and chilly. It made Iruka shivered.

"He is just five! He is still a child!" retorted the Sensei.

"A child who would bear hatred to the village, consequential to his parents' assassination." Kakashi past experiences reminded him painfully of what would have happened when you don't eliminate every single root of a problem.

Deep down, Iruka knew Kakashi might be right. The child might grow up bearing hatred to the village, but that did not change the fact that the child is only five years old. How could Kakashi bring himself to plunge the kunai deep into the poor child's life source? _'Why not? You knew whom he was when you know him and chose to be with him. An ex-ANBU. You can't be an ANBU if you can't be a killing machine.'_His inner self reasoned with him.

"You are a monster!" Iruka shouted at the top of his voice, not caring who might have heard that.

"A necessary monster." His voice colder than ever was Kakashi's response, not a slighter hint of remorse in his words.

"Get out of my sight! I don't ever want to see you again!" Iruka's anger spilled uncontrollably.

With that, the ex-ANBU vanished into the night.

_**Can you hear that?  
>The singing of a song.<br>Telling of a story.  
>Ever so softly.<strong>_

How long was he gone? It had seemed like forever.

The silence crept in. Only the soft sobbing of his could be heard. Iruka had sat on the bed after the heated one-sided argument, still mad at Kakashi's actions. For the past an hour, he sat there with his legs folded closely to his chest, his hands hugging on his knee, and his head buried in-between his legs. It was a position he used to comfort himself ever since his parents had died in the Kyuubi's attack. He was alone, and hurt.

Having over blown things, Iruka had said horrible words to Kakashi. He just couldn't help it. How could his lover be so ruthless? He could never bring himself to kill a helpless child even if it meant defying a direct order from the Hokage. Iruka knew he was different from Kakashi, the way they think, the way they act and the way they resolve an issue, they were so different yet they were together. Was it a mistake right from the start? He refused to acknowledge that.

"I'm sorry Kakashi, I'm sorry..." sobbing quietly as he recalled the harshness of his words.

_**We have our difference.  
>We have our reason.<br>We want to make things right.**_

The first ray of sunlight filtered through the window above his bed. Iruka cringed slightly as the bright light fell on his eyes. He had fallen asleep. The anger and sobbing must have taken a toll on his mind mentally that he had drifted to sleep unknowingly. His eyes fluttered, squinting his eyes to the light and noticed, 'When did I cover myself with this?'

A dark blue blanket was tucked around him nicely. It was the blanket from the living room, the one he would use whenever he had to work through the cold winter nights, marking through his students' assignments or instances whenever he needed it when the weather turned chilly. The only person who knows where he had placed this blanket and covered him with it must be Kakashi.

'Is he back?' Quickly, he removed the blanket and just as his feets were about to touch the floor, a half-folded paper had slipped from the side of his bed and landed onto the floor. There were some words scribbled on it, words which did not belong to his handwriting. He bent and picked up the paper from the floor and read the scribble writing.

_'Iruka Umino'_

His heart sank upon seeing his name written. This could not be good. Kakashi would only address Iruka with his surname when Kakashi has something important or serious to discuss with him. Reluctantly, he unfolded the paper and read the content inside.

_Dearest 'Ru,_

_I have thought of what you have said, and realised the things I did, my past actions, including the previous night and perhaps the actions which may come in the future, had and would caused you agony. Agony, which have cost me seeing your silent tears many of times._

_You were right about me. I am a monster. You deserve someone better. Someone, whose hands weren't as stained as mine, whose mind wasn't as twisted as mine, whose heart wasn't as heartless as mine, but someone who would bring happiness to you and love you as much as I do._

_I know I have made a lot of promises to you in the past; most of it was empty promise. This time, I am going to make a promise, which I will be sure to keep it. A promise, which I believe, would do you good. I promise you that you will not see me unnecessary again. It is a lifetime promise. Move on, you deserve better._

_P.S: Please don't shed any more tears for me. Tears do not suit you, laughter does. I love it when you smile._

_Always yours truly,_  
><em>Kakashi Hatake<em>

_**Drifting in an endless sorrow.  
>Looking for an exit.<strong>_  
><em><strong>Releasing what we've got.<br>Wanting things to be alright.**_

One.

Two.

Three and four...

Small wet circular shapes began to form on the floor, almost overlapping one another as they fall from the same altitude. The words on the letter had became blurry as more tears filled in his eyes once more, trickling down his cheek when it can no longer hold back the magnitude of emotions he was going through.

Silently, the letter he was holding was released from his hand, drifting its way to the ground.

**_Can you hear that?  
>The singing of a song.<br>Telling of a story.  
>Telling our story.<em>**

**_A story of us..._**


End file.
